I think the last time I published a post was around the beginning of my daughter's therapy and treatment... I'm thinking... yep, that seems correct. I haven't looked at the dates. I've drafted a few, mostly just venting to whomever would listen, and then having second thoughts about publishing because of the judgment that usually comes along with any personal thoughts these days. I have to consider my family. My husband is important and I don't ever want to print anything to tarnish his image or reputation. He is a very hard worker, never really leaving his job at the office. He is currently the sole breadwinner for the family and has been for quite some time, not because I'm lazy or unwilling to work. Not at all. There are a lot of factors that go into family decisions in everyone's life. Right now it just makes sense for our family that he work while I stay at home with the kids. Most days are pretty monotonous. I have near daily guilt because I find being at home rather boring. It's not boring. I'm having a "whoa is me" day, in fact.
When I feel one coming, I try to remember Steve Irwin, and the fact that his wife is a single mom with 2 children and a business to run by herself, having lost her partner in the saddest way. I try to remember my friend, who has been a single mom to a child with severe cerebral palsy and spends more time in hospitals than out. I think about my friend who has an adopted son that has never spoken a word and takes countless medications daily to keep him from having seizures. My sister's son was born with hydrocephalus and is autistic. He'll most likely remain with her for their entire lives... these people and their struggles help me remain silent through my own. Clearly, I'm not the only one who struggles. It feels selfish to complain to anyone besides God. He already knows, and for whatever reason chose me for this particular "whoa is me" day.
I have spent nearly every hour, asleep or awake, with my 6-year-old daughter since she was born. She is considered "on the spectrum", which is how it is referred now, and is considered to have a form close to Asberger's, which in short, is a form of ASD that is relatively normal to the naked eye, other than certain quirks. My daughter is very intelligent, very sly and clever, but a bit awkward. While most people on the spectrum aren't particularly social, Aspys are more chatty, they just don't have as clear a picture on what is appropriate to chat about. She wrings her hands and constantly clears her throat. She cannot keep herself from touching me when I'm near her, usually lightly tapping me to pinching and sometimes slapping me repeatedly. She is very sensitive to what's going on around her and picks up on details you and I would miss, and remembers them for weeks, months, even years. This can be difficult when she sees or hears something that troubles or scares her. In our house the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny don't come at night. They don't come inside our house. The exchange is made outside and Mom takes care of it. So there is still magic without the fear. Everything in my life revolves around her. But she is not my only child.
I have 2 sons, one is 8-years-old and one is in Heaven, as well as 3 grown step-daughters (I hate that term... I call them my daughters to everyone who knows us, but the inevitable "you look so young to have grown children" statement follows and I have to explain our situation. I like to think of them as more than my husband's children from his first marriage). My older son obviously lives with me and I adore him and his sisters. I love them madly. I smell their breath and my mouth waters. I dream about them. I neglect all else for them...
I'm hanging on. There is no giving up when you're a mom. I grew up in church and have always believed in and loved God. I haven't always followed, but have always believed. I believe that if you delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart. I have always had a deep empathy and passion for animals. I don't talk about my dreams much because they are so personal, but I do envision myself in the career I want someday. For whatever reason I've been chosen to be right here right now. I feel helpless and unequipped, and I had a bad day today and I don't cry much, so instead I have a headache that is traveling from my eye sockets over my head and down my neck, but I'm here. I imagine sitting with God, asking Him why He chose me for this, because anyone is more equipped at this than I am. Why does my daughter have this? Why can't I help her? Why did my son pass away? Am I not doing a good enough job? Did I do something wrong? I carried them. I was supposed to protect them. I'm supposed to see them through. But He doesn't answer. I don't see His face, but I feel Him smile because He knows what I don't know. And so I keep going. Even on days where I feel like a single mom. Even on days when I feel like "just a wife, just a mom". Even when I feel invisible. Even when I remember that I cannot be in school right now because of the travel schedule of our hero and my need to be available all the time. Even when I'm overwhelmed and cannot take time for myself because most people don't understand my daughter and know how to take care of her. And when I think about the lovely once-in-a-blue-moon opportunity to spend alone time with one of my other precious children, which I know they need so bad. Even on days like today, when one was so angry, and I didn't know what to say to make it better. Even when the other was taking advantage of my inability to be all things to all people at once, as much as I try and want to be. I keep going. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Shark Week and Slumber Parties
I have pretty severe anxiety. I literally pray for patience almost daily because I'm not naturally patient at all. Everything is serious. Everything needs immediate attention. I have 4 children that live with me: 18-yr-old, 17-yr-old, and 5-yr-old girls, and a 7-yr-old boy. Each of them have things that are important to them and those things need to be addressed. They are important. I'm married to my best friend, who works overtime weekly and goes to school. When he's not in school, he's studying. So far I've been able to pick up the "man" chores with ease and do things he did at the house, with a few exceptions (I don't mess with the cars... ever... I would pop the hood, stare, and close the hood). If anything, I've let my marriage take a backseat to the kids, because as anyone with kids knows, their problems are the only problems, at least to them. My son climbed onto the side of the pool they begged for the other day, so I told him that if it fell that would be it. Over. No more pool. He said, "You could just get some money and buy another one!" Oh, you sweet little soul...
My sister has a son with severe autism. They now have what they refer to as "the spectrum" which means there are no two autistic cases that are the same. If your child is on the spectrum, he/she could be completely different from other cases. Doctors are getting more information daily but there is still so much that is unknown. My nephew was nonverbal for a long time. He showed the obvious symptoms as well as having hydrocephalus and requiring brain surgery. Scary stuff. I am not sure if his autism is a result of the water on his brain or if it's altogether separate. But it's all-consuming for my family.
My youngest is 5 years old now. Because I've been around kids for so long, I knew when she began developing that something was different. I couldn't put my finger on it. She speaks very well. She's intelligent and high functioning. But she has quirks. One of her older sisters was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder as a child. I see signs of it in my baby, but it doesn't explain everything. She has symptoms of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) as well. She wears me out. It's difficult to find people to listen to you when your child seems so "normal" on the outside and for the few minutes they spend with that child. I keep to myself for the most part, and I am introverted by nature, so I don't socialize much by my own choice. Now it's become necessary because of the daily struggles I face. I can't imagine what it must be like in her little mind.
There seems to be a genetic link associated with autism. They just don't know anything about it yet. Asperger's Syndrome is considered to be on the spectrum but is a high functioning form, and is distinguished by a list of particular behaviors/circumstances. My daughter exhibits them all. The only reason she hasn't received a diagnosis is her ability to talk. She not only converses with people, she converses with most people. About anything. And everything. She has the ability to pretend. For the most part she copies those around her and does what they are doing. But she can do it. I think it's wonderful. My frustrations come from seeing the struggles she does face, and not being able to help her. I have been placed on multiple waiting lists for evaluations and did manage to get her to see one group of specialists so far. They spent an hour a week with her for several weeks and told me they couldn't give her a diagnosis without more information. Sigh. They wanted to see how she did in school first (This is where a tear drop falls on my keyboard).
I'd like to share what a typical day is like, a good day, which is something I rarely do, because it's hard. It's embarrassing. You probably won't understand. You might judge me. You might judge her. It causes extreme anxiety anticipating what tomorrow holds... I've considered asking my doctor for something to help with the stress. But what if it makes me too groggy to take care of the kids?
My littles are early risers. They are usually up by at least 6 am, sometimes earlier. By the time I'm up and functioning, they are usually wearing some sort of costumes and running around. Sometimes they are fighting. One of my biggest concerns with my youngest is her lack of impulse control. I know, I know... kids her age have little impulse control. I've read all of that too. I've studied it. I practically have it memorized and can tell you the title and page number. I'm not talking about that impulse control. I'm talking about hers.
I love the beach and decorating my house so that you feel like you're there when you walk in. I love my family and think they're beautiful, so I put up a lot of photos in the house. I took the kids to Hobby Lobby the other day to look for beach décor and picture frames. It's summer break and I thought they would like to get out of the house. Hobby Lobby isn't really a place they can go bananas in, so I told them if they behaved, they could get a treat when we were done. I love getting them treats. I love making them happy. The youngest is big enough now that she really doesn't fit in any grocery cart anymore, but I wish she did because she is off and running as soon as we get out of the car. Doesn't look for cars, doesn't look for people, sings a song and keeps running. Cue Mom's heart palpitations... We get inside the Hobby Lobby and immediately she's gone. I call her and tell her to follow me. She doesn't want to be left, so I have that going for me. She will catch up and walk just out of reach of my hand. If we see a baby, I've lost at least 10 minutes to her cooing and asking the mother everything, including what the baby is wearing, and how the baby is fed. Most people are kind. Some are not.
As we continue through the store, she continues to leave my sight and I continue to receive looks from store clerks and other customers. I stop, and call her to me. I bend down to her level and remind her that she needs to stay with me to get a treat. She agrees. I stand up. She's gone. Meanwhile, her brother has found a basket for $ .60 that he would like for his treat. Of course! He holds it with pride as I continue looking at frames. There are a lot to choose from and I need to remember what sizes I need. Elsa (the youngest) is running around, upping my blood pressure and fraying my nerves. I again and again and again call her to me. I finally let her know that if I call her again, she will not receive a treat. She tests me. I tell her no treat. She runs up and kicks her brother as hard as she can, continuing until I physically separate her from him. She then turns her frustration to me and kicks me multiple times. I don't have the heart to tell my son he can't get his basket. so I immediately head to the check-out so we can leave as fast as possible before it escalates any more. As we are walking, she trails behind me, dropping "f-bombs" as loud as she can. This is a regular occurrence (with Asperger's particularly) and not a reflection of my household. Other people don't know that though, and give me horrible looks as I buy the little basket. I end up telling the cashier that she has special needs and we leave with my head down and shoulders slumped. I didn't give in. There was a time I would have for peace. But I need her to know that the world doesn't work that way.
I attempt to grab her hand as we cross the parking lot. She refuses. My choices are to snatch her by the arm or cross and have her follow not holding my hand, My son is on the other side of me, watching everything, looking to me for the right answers. I must always remember that what he sees will determine how he raises his children.
As I get to the other side and turn around, a woman in an SUV honks her horn at me and rolls her window down to shout that my child is still across the street. I know, I tell her, I'm keeping an eye on her. What this woman doesn't know about are all the times I've placed my body in harm's way to keep my daughter safe, all the times I've responded calmly while others were rude to my baby because they just didn't know. She doesn't understand that if I don't make these trips to Hobby Lobby and the grocery store, I'll never leave the house. She doesn't know that I try so hard...
She does come eventually, and we do get on the road eventually, but not before she takes off her seatbelt as I drive out of the parking lot, and dumps a bottle of water in my lap while we're moving. I pull into a parking spot and get out to physically buckle her in. My car is small and she often takes out her aggression on me or her brother sitting beside her. I wonder a lot what he must be thinking. I wonder what she's thinking, too. As I lean over to buckle her in, she kicks me in the jaw as hard as she can. It still hurts. I took her home and we didn't do anything else that day.
One thing I've learned about parenting is that most kids respond to taking things they care about away from them. The teenagers respond to no technology and no car. My boy loves his Legos and Hot Wheels. Elsa doesn't respond to much so it's tough to discipline her in that way. Her attention span is very short. If I take away her bike, she'll find something else to play with. I'm still learning about her every day.
She's not a bad kid. I don't think any kid is "bad". Something drives behavior. I can't tell you the nights I've laid awake talking to God and to myself. My lip and eyelid twitch regularly because my stress levels are off the charts as I try to make sure everyone is happy and healthy. The last doctor that I saw told me to eat Tums because they are loaded with calcium, which counteracts the large amounts of cortisol that my body releases due to my stress levels. Sigh...
People also don't see the piles of flowers she brings me every day. They don't see her dressed as the
Snow Queen, singing at the top of her lungs. They don't see her cute quirks, the endearing ones, like when she watches movies and can quote them word for word, as well as her bedtime routine that takes forever but is extremely important to her. She is loving and funny. This struggle is hers. It's up to me to help her find the answers. I'm trying. We're currently looking at another type of specialist, possibly out of state. I just want answers. I just want to help her. I just want her to be happy.
If you see a kid having a tantrum, don't judge. You don't know what struggle that family is facing. You don't know what a doctor may have just told them, or the tears that mother will cry when she leaves that aisle. Try smiling. Try praying for that family. Be kind. Everyone is different. No one is better. Just different.
My sister has a son with severe autism. They now have what they refer to as "the spectrum" which means there are no two autistic cases that are the same. If your child is on the spectrum, he/she could be completely different from other cases. Doctors are getting more information daily but there is still so much that is unknown. My nephew was nonverbal for a long time. He showed the obvious symptoms as well as having hydrocephalus and requiring brain surgery. Scary stuff. I am not sure if his autism is a result of the water on his brain or if it's altogether separate. But it's all-consuming for my family.
My youngest is 5 years old now. Because I've been around kids for so long, I knew when she began developing that something was different. I couldn't put my finger on it. She speaks very well. She's intelligent and high functioning. But she has quirks. One of her older sisters was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder as a child. I see signs of it in my baby, but it doesn't explain everything. She has symptoms of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) as well. She wears me out. It's difficult to find people to listen to you when your child seems so "normal" on the outside and for the few minutes they spend with that child. I keep to myself for the most part, and I am introverted by nature, so I don't socialize much by my own choice. Now it's become necessary because of the daily struggles I face. I can't imagine what it must be like in her little mind.
There seems to be a genetic link associated with autism. They just don't know anything about it yet. Asperger's Syndrome is considered to be on the spectrum but is a high functioning form, and is distinguished by a list of particular behaviors/circumstances. My daughter exhibits them all. The only reason she hasn't received a diagnosis is her ability to talk. She not only converses with people, she converses with most people. About anything. And everything. She has the ability to pretend. For the most part she copies those around her and does what they are doing. But she can do it. I think it's wonderful. My frustrations come from seeing the struggles she does face, and not being able to help her. I have been placed on multiple waiting lists for evaluations and did manage to get her to see one group of specialists so far. They spent an hour a week with her for several weeks and told me they couldn't give her a diagnosis without more information. Sigh. They wanted to see how she did in school first (This is where a tear drop falls on my keyboard).
I'd like to share what a typical day is like, a good day, which is something I rarely do, because it's hard. It's embarrassing. You probably won't understand. You might judge me. You might judge her. It causes extreme anxiety anticipating what tomorrow holds... I've considered asking my doctor for something to help with the stress. But what if it makes me too groggy to take care of the kids?
My littles are early risers. They are usually up by at least 6 am, sometimes earlier. By the time I'm up and functioning, they are usually wearing some sort of costumes and running around. Sometimes they are fighting. One of my biggest concerns with my youngest is her lack of impulse control. I know, I know... kids her age have little impulse control. I've read all of that too. I've studied it. I practically have it memorized and can tell you the title and page number. I'm not talking about that impulse control. I'm talking about hers.
I love the beach and decorating my house so that you feel like you're there when you walk in. I love my family and think they're beautiful, so I put up a lot of photos in the house. I took the kids to Hobby Lobby the other day to look for beach décor and picture frames. It's summer break and I thought they would like to get out of the house. Hobby Lobby isn't really a place they can go bananas in, so I told them if they behaved, they could get a treat when we were done. I love getting them treats. I love making them happy. The youngest is big enough now that she really doesn't fit in any grocery cart anymore, but I wish she did because she is off and running as soon as we get out of the car. Doesn't look for cars, doesn't look for people, sings a song and keeps running. Cue Mom's heart palpitations... We get inside the Hobby Lobby and immediately she's gone. I call her and tell her to follow me. She doesn't want to be left, so I have that going for me. She will catch up and walk just out of reach of my hand. If we see a baby, I've lost at least 10 minutes to her cooing and asking the mother everything, including what the baby is wearing, and how the baby is fed. Most people are kind. Some are not.
As we continue through the store, she continues to leave my sight and I continue to receive looks from store clerks and other customers. I stop, and call her to me. I bend down to her level and remind her that she needs to stay with me to get a treat. She agrees. I stand up. She's gone. Meanwhile, her brother has found a basket for $ .60 that he would like for his treat. Of course! He holds it with pride as I continue looking at frames. There are a lot to choose from and I need to remember what sizes I need. Elsa (the youngest) is running around, upping my blood pressure and fraying my nerves. I again and again and again call her to me. I finally let her know that if I call her again, she will not receive a treat. She tests me. I tell her no treat. She runs up and kicks her brother as hard as she can, continuing until I physically separate her from him. She then turns her frustration to me and kicks me multiple times. I don't have the heart to tell my son he can't get his basket. so I immediately head to the check-out so we can leave as fast as possible before it escalates any more. As we are walking, she trails behind me, dropping "f-bombs" as loud as she can. This is a regular occurrence (with Asperger's particularly) and not a reflection of my household. Other people don't know that though, and give me horrible looks as I buy the little basket. I end up telling the cashier that she has special needs and we leave with my head down and shoulders slumped. I didn't give in. There was a time I would have for peace. But I need her to know that the world doesn't work that way.
I attempt to grab her hand as we cross the parking lot. She refuses. My choices are to snatch her by the arm or cross and have her follow not holding my hand, My son is on the other side of me, watching everything, looking to me for the right answers. I must always remember that what he sees will determine how he raises his children.
As I get to the other side and turn around, a woman in an SUV honks her horn at me and rolls her window down to shout that my child is still across the street. I know, I tell her, I'm keeping an eye on her. What this woman doesn't know about are all the times I've placed my body in harm's way to keep my daughter safe, all the times I've responded calmly while others were rude to my baby because they just didn't know. She doesn't understand that if I don't make these trips to Hobby Lobby and the grocery store, I'll never leave the house. She doesn't know that I try so hard...
She does come eventually, and we do get on the road eventually, but not before she takes off her seatbelt as I drive out of the parking lot, and dumps a bottle of water in my lap while we're moving. I pull into a parking spot and get out to physically buckle her in. My car is small and she often takes out her aggression on me or her brother sitting beside her. I wonder a lot what he must be thinking. I wonder what she's thinking, too. As I lean over to buckle her in, she kicks me in the jaw as hard as she can. It still hurts. I took her home and we didn't do anything else that day.
One thing I've learned about parenting is that most kids respond to taking things they care about away from them. The teenagers respond to no technology and no car. My boy loves his Legos and Hot Wheels. Elsa doesn't respond to much so it's tough to discipline her in that way. Her attention span is very short. If I take away her bike, she'll find something else to play with. I'm still learning about her every day.
She's not a bad kid. I don't think any kid is "bad". Something drives behavior. I can't tell you the nights I've laid awake talking to God and to myself. My lip and eyelid twitch regularly because my stress levels are off the charts as I try to make sure everyone is happy and healthy. The last doctor that I saw told me to eat Tums because they are loaded with calcium, which counteracts the large amounts of cortisol that my body releases due to my stress levels. Sigh...
People also don't see the piles of flowers she brings me every day. They don't see her dressed as the
Snow Queen, singing at the top of her lungs. They don't see her cute quirks, the endearing ones, like when she watches movies and can quote them word for word, as well as her bedtime routine that takes forever but is extremely important to her. She is loving and funny. This struggle is hers. It's up to me to help her find the answers. I'm trying. We're currently looking at another type of specialist, possibly out of state. I just want answers. I just want to help her. I just want her to be happy.
If you see a kid having a tantrum, don't judge. You don't know what struggle that family is facing. You don't know what a doctor may have just told them, or the tears that mother will cry when she leaves that aisle. Try smiling. Try praying for that family. Be kind. Everyone is different. No one is better. Just different.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway...
A lot of people think I named my daughter after the Snow Queen. Not true. In fact, I believe I was one of the last people on the planet to see the movie. It wasn't until I was pushing her on a swing one day and another mom heard me say her name and became really excited that I finally decided I had to see what all the fuss was about...
I've loved her name since childhood. I just thought it was beautiful. Feminine, but strong. It means "noble". I always knew that if I had a daughter her name would be Elsa. Always.
I used to have trouble finding her name on items. You know how you go into a souvenir shop and see names on key chains or bracelets? I never see my name. Or my son's. Or my daughter's... at least, at first. I have no trouble finding her name now. I actually like it. I love unique names, but I love seeing hers everywhere. It's just a beautiful name! She has hats, socks, pants, shirts, dresses, blankets, even an "Elsa" doll. And I love it every time I see a little girl wearing anything from "Frozen", which is pretty often. I love seeing faces light up when they hear her name. Some kids don't even believe her when she says her name, and they'll come and ask me! Then I tell them, "Yes", and they'll grab her hand, and lead her to play with them. And she goes. At first...
I've watched her so many times, playing with other kids, but not really playing with them...
...A kingdom of isolation
and it looks like I'm the queen...
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I've tried...
I've thought something was different for a long time. I've talked myself out of seeking further opinions so many times because she seems so "normal" to most everyone, whatever that means. But, I'm a mother...
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know...
Well, now they know...
I've gotten used to being a kind of disclaimer for my daughter. She will talk to anyone, anywhere, at any time, and ask anything. She doesn't have a real feel for personal boundaries or space. Because I never know what she's going to ask or say to complete strangers, I get nervous when she shows interest in someone new. And if she sees a baby, I've lost at least 10 minutes to her cooing and asking questions. She sometimes visibly makes people uncomfortable. But to me, she's just Elsa. So, I wait, and let her talk, and after a few seconds (or minutes, depending on the person's response to her), I begin the process of moving her along...
Let it go
Let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go
Let it go
Turn away and slam the door...
A few weeks ago, after showing Elsa's pediatrician page after page after page of my own research and details and frustrations on tear-stained papers, she agreed that further evaluation was needed. I broke down. Relief flooded through my body and I couldn't stop shaking... Just not in front of my girl. She reacts poorly to Mommy being upset. I have to stay strong for her. She needs me now more than ever.
"Are you okay, Mommy? Why are you crying?"
"I'm okay, Baby. Mommy is okay."
I took the lists of specialists and phone numbers and various program information and began hunting right away. Hours spent being referred from one place to another place, being put on waiting lists that were months long to have her evaluated... it's such a helpless feeling when you can't fix it. "It" is anything that makes your little one's world not perfect.
I remember finding out I was having a girl, having my Elsa. I dreamt about her. I envisioned what life would be like with her long hair and her pink kitties. The best part is, she's not really very much like I imagined she would be...
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on...
I feel sorry for people who don't believe in God. They don't know what they're missing...
Full of frustration after weeks of brick walls and crying out to strangers, letters written, faxes sent, I found the name of a specialist who sounded promising. I tried to get ahold of his office and was told he had moved. I called the number anyway, hoping maybe someone could tell me where he had gone. A woman answered the call, and I began to tell her my story again.
"I keep getting referred around. I just want to get my daughter in for an evaluation. Please. I can see her struggling. I can see her frustration. Please."
The woman asked me, "What's her name?"
I said, "Elsa".
She said, "Huh... you know, I met an "Elsa" in the store the other day. She came right up to me and began to talk to me. We talked for several minutes and she told me all about her name and how she was born before "Frozen" and how the Snow Queen was named after her..."
I said, "Really? Was she a little blonde?"
The woman replied, "Yes! She was around 4 years old, and was so sweet! I remember her name because she was so friendly and just talked my ear off."
I broke down in tears.
"That's my daughter! That's her!"
It turns out the woman was the specialist's personal secretary. She took down all of my information and gave me her personal information. Before the week was over Elsa had an appointment to be seen. It's funny, God had used what I was afraid of as a gift to help my precious girl...
I have a hunch, an instinct, about what's going on. I think I've always known. A mother knows her baby. We'll have further testing to do whatever is necessary to help her. She deserves that.
I was out and about today running errands with her and my oldest daughter. As I listened to Elsa talking to some other small kids she saw, I heard one of the mothers seem to get upset with her for speaking to her child. I ran over and picked up my daughter in my arms. I looked at this mother and heard myself say, "She has special needs."
I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth. This woman doesn't deserve to know that. She isn't special enough to come into my daughter's world. My child did nothing wrong. She showed kindness in a world where most people stick up their noses as she says, "Hello". I tell her, "I will always say 'hi' to you." And then we play back and forth, which makes her smile again. Her only "special needs" are whatever it takes to make her happy.
I will never again be apprehensive of what Elsa might say or do. She's close enough to perfect for me. I struggle sometimes. I'm sure I will, until I learn what she needs. She's worth it. I just want to help her. Whatever my struggles may be, they are small compared to hers. I'm just a spectator. I'm amazed by her. I want her to know how much I love her. I want to tell her I'm sorry that I can't protect her all the time, that I couldn't protect her and make it better. I want to tell her that it's okay to be different. I want her to know I will always have her back. She is everything to me.
The cold never bothered me anyway...
I've loved her name since childhood. I just thought it was beautiful. Feminine, but strong. It means "noble". I always knew that if I had a daughter her name would be Elsa. Always.
I used to have trouble finding her name on items. You know how you go into a souvenir shop and see names on key chains or bracelets? I never see my name. Or my son's. Or my daughter's... at least, at first. I have no trouble finding her name now. I actually like it. I love unique names, but I love seeing hers everywhere. It's just a beautiful name! She has hats, socks, pants, shirts, dresses, blankets, even an "Elsa" doll. And I love it every time I see a little girl wearing anything from "Frozen", which is pretty often. I love seeing faces light up when they hear her name. Some kids don't even believe her when she says her name, and they'll come and ask me! Then I tell them, "Yes", and they'll grab her hand, and lead her to play with them. And she goes. At first...
I've watched her so many times, playing with other kids, but not really playing with them...
...A kingdom of isolation
and it looks like I'm the queen...
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I've tried...
I've thought something was different for a long time. I've talked myself out of seeking further opinions so many times because she seems so "normal" to most everyone, whatever that means. But, I'm a mother...
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know...
Well, now they know...
I've gotten used to being a kind of disclaimer for my daughter. She will talk to anyone, anywhere, at any time, and ask anything. She doesn't have a real feel for personal boundaries or space. Because I never know what she's going to ask or say to complete strangers, I get nervous when she shows interest in someone new. And if she sees a baby, I've lost at least 10 minutes to her cooing and asking questions. She sometimes visibly makes people uncomfortable. But to me, she's just Elsa. So, I wait, and let her talk, and after a few seconds (or minutes, depending on the person's response to her), I begin the process of moving her along...
Let it go
Let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go
Let it go
Turn away and slam the door...
A few weeks ago, after showing Elsa's pediatrician page after page after page of my own research and details and frustrations on tear-stained papers, she agreed that further evaluation was needed. I broke down. Relief flooded through my body and I couldn't stop shaking... Just not in front of my girl. She reacts poorly to Mommy being upset. I have to stay strong for her. She needs me now more than ever.
"Are you okay, Mommy? Why are you crying?"
"I'm okay, Baby. Mommy is okay."
I took the lists of specialists and phone numbers and various program information and began hunting right away. Hours spent being referred from one place to another place, being put on waiting lists that were months long to have her evaluated... it's such a helpless feeling when you can't fix it. "It" is anything that makes your little one's world not perfect.
I remember finding out I was having a girl, having my Elsa. I dreamt about her. I envisioned what life would be like with her long hair and her pink kitties. The best part is, she's not really very much like I imagined she would be...
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on...
I feel sorry for people who don't believe in God. They don't know what they're missing...
Full of frustration after weeks of brick walls and crying out to strangers, letters written, faxes sent, I found the name of a specialist who sounded promising. I tried to get ahold of his office and was told he had moved. I called the number anyway, hoping maybe someone could tell me where he had gone. A woman answered the call, and I began to tell her my story again.
"I keep getting referred around. I just want to get my daughter in for an evaluation. Please. I can see her struggling. I can see her frustration. Please."
The woman asked me, "What's her name?"
I said, "Elsa".
She said, "Huh... you know, I met an "Elsa" in the store the other day. She came right up to me and began to talk to me. We talked for several minutes and she told me all about her name and how she was born before "Frozen" and how the Snow Queen was named after her..."
I said, "Really? Was she a little blonde?"
The woman replied, "Yes! She was around 4 years old, and was so sweet! I remember her name because she was so friendly and just talked my ear off."
I broke down in tears.
"That's my daughter! That's her!"
It turns out the woman was the specialist's personal secretary. She took down all of my information and gave me her personal information. Before the week was over Elsa had an appointment to be seen. It's funny, God had used what I was afraid of as a gift to help my precious girl...
I have a hunch, an instinct, about what's going on. I think I've always known. A mother knows her baby. We'll have further testing to do whatever is necessary to help her. She deserves that.
I was out and about today running errands with her and my oldest daughter. As I listened to Elsa talking to some other small kids she saw, I heard one of the mothers seem to get upset with her for speaking to her child. I ran over and picked up my daughter in my arms. I looked at this mother and heard myself say, "She has special needs."
I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth. This woman doesn't deserve to know that. She isn't special enough to come into my daughter's world. My child did nothing wrong. She showed kindness in a world where most people stick up their noses as she says, "Hello". I tell her, "I will always say 'hi' to you." And then we play back and forth, which makes her smile again. Her only "special needs" are whatever it takes to make her happy.
I will never again be apprehensive of what Elsa might say or do. She's close enough to perfect for me. I struggle sometimes. I'm sure I will, until I learn what she needs. She's worth it. I just want to help her. Whatever my struggles may be, they are small compared to hers. I'm just a spectator. I'm amazed by her. I want her to know how much I love her. I want to tell her I'm sorry that I can't protect her all the time, that I couldn't protect her and make it better. I want to tell her that it's okay to be different. I want her to know I will always have her back. She is everything to me.
The cold never bothered me anyway...
Monday, September 15, 2014
101 Things I Want My Daughters To Know...
1. Your relationship with God is the most important thing you will ever have. No one will love you more than Him.
2. Aside from Him, no one will love you more than me.
3. Read the Bible in its entirety at least once. It has all the instructions you need for life.
4. Try your best to follow those instructions.
5. It's ok if you're tall... don't slouch. One day you could be a model.
6. If you like heels, wear them.
7. If you prefer flats, that's ok too.
8. Don't ever let anybody tell you they're better than you. If God had wanted us all to be the same, He'd have given us all braces on our legs.
9. Try to find humor in hard situations. It makes them easier to deal with.
10. Brush your teeth twice daily.
11. Pay attention in English class.
12. God gives each of us a passion for something.
13. Don't be afraid of people. They're just people, like you and me.
14. If someone is mean to you it is because they are hurting worse than you are.
15. If it isn't necessary to kill a bug, don't. God made them too.
16. Always trust your gut. If your instincts tell you something isn't right, it probably isn't.
17. You will never be too big or too old to crawl into my lap. Ever.
18. Always look for ways to educate yourself about something.
19. If someone needs help, help them.
20. But don't ever climb into someone's van. Tell them you've seen too many movies to do that.
21. God loves a cheerful giver.
22. Giving to God doesn't necessarily mean all of your money. Time counts too.
23. A college degree is a wonderful thing.
24. Having a skill or trade is marvelous as well.
25. If you can have a skill or trade AND a college degree, you'll be set.
26. Like any kind of music you're drawn to.
27. Dance like nobody's watching. Anywhere. Anytime.
28. Your sisters and brothers will be your best friends. Remember that when you are stuffing them in the hamper.
29. If you don't love it in the store, you probably won't wear it anywhere else.
30. Save money while you're young.
31. If you find a job doing what you love, it won't feel like work.
32. Money isn't that important.
33. Paying your bills is important though... nobody wants to take a cold shower in the dark.
34. You are beautiful.
35. God doesn't make mistakes.
36. It's ok to dye your hair and change up your makeup if you are bored though.
37. There will never be anything you cannot tell me. If it affects you, it affects me. Tell me, we'll freak out together, then we'll figure out a way through it together.
38. Test grades matter.
39. You do use math every single day.
40. One day you will have to help your child with homework.
41. Never put yourself into a position where you can be taken advantage of.
42. Don't walk alone at night.
43. Don't walk alone with your headphones blaring, unaware of what's going on around you.
44. If you love someone, say it.
45. Don't ever be afraid to get on your knees to praise God.
46. Laugh until your face hurts.
47. Try new fruits and vegetables.
48. Never pass up an opportunity for sleep.
49. Don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in.
50. Educate yourself.
51. Cats are arguably the funniest creatures on the planet.
52. Daydream often. But not during tests.
53. If you want something, work for it.
54. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't.
55. Be careful about giving out your personal information. This includes, email, DL #, and SS #.
56. Please tell me you know what those abbreviations mean.
57. I will always go clothes shopping with you.
58. It is totally fine to talk to your shoes and tell them how fabulous they are.
59. Multi-tasking is a woman's lifeline.
60. Be a careful driver.
61. But don't spend a ton of money sprucing up a car. It can be destroyed in a second. Trust me.
62. Wear your seatbelt and keep your doors locked at all times. I promised my parents. I expect the same from you.
63. It's ok to be single. It doesn't mean you'll be alone forever.
64. God has a plan for you.
65. If you find someone you think you could love long-term, get to know them well. There is a reason they put "...in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer..." in the wedding vows. What's he like broke, stinky, and grumpy? You'll know eventually.
66. Make sure he's funny too. It makes parenting easier.
67. If you decide to have kids, great. If not, that's ok too.
68. There's nothing wrong with a good cry.
69. Take care of yourself.
70. But eat the foods you like, too.
71. Fart jokes never get old.
72. Be kind to all animals, even slimy ones.
73. If you see someone being unkind, it's ok to step in.
74. I will always do my best to protect you.
75. I will always worry about you.
76. I will absolutely go off on you out of protection and worry if needs be.
77. I will do what I can to protect you from yourself if needs be.
78. Don't grow up too fast.
79. There will come a time you will have to behave like an adult. Then you'll miss childhood.
80. Stay as young at heart as possible. I could probably outrun any of you. And win a tickle fight.
81. It's ok to serve people. It doesn't mean you're less than them. It means you're selfless enough to do what's right. Jesus did.
82. Kissing animals is ok. And underrated.
83. A purring cat will cure what ails you... unless you're allergic...then one might make you sneeze.
84. Be humble. Jesus was.
85. I am so proud of you.
86. I thank God for you.
87. You are and will always be precious to me.
88. Don't be afraid to tell others about what Jesus has done for you. He may be using you to get to them.
89. God does not call the equipped. God equips those He calls.
90. Do everything you can to discover His purpose for your life. You will be fulfilled.
91. Drink lots of water.
92. Red lips are fabulous anytime.
93. Red anything is fabulous anytime, for that matter.
94. Tell yourself, "I'm beautiful" every day. Because you are.
95. Don't let others determine your worth. To me, you are priceless.
96. You have a purpose. Don't be afraid to submit to the Lord to find out what it is. He's got a plan for you.
97. It's ok to show a little skin. Just don't give away the farm.
98. You are so much more than just your looks. And they are stunning.
99. If I had all the girls in the world to choose from, I'd choose you.
100. I will do my best to support whatever dreams you have.
101. I love you.
2. Aside from Him, no one will love you more than me.
3. Read the Bible in its entirety at least once. It has all the instructions you need for life.
4. Try your best to follow those instructions.
5. It's ok if you're tall... don't slouch. One day you could be a model.
6. If you like heels, wear them.
7. If you prefer flats, that's ok too.
8. Don't ever let anybody tell you they're better than you. If God had wanted us all to be the same, He'd have given us all braces on our legs.
9. Try to find humor in hard situations. It makes them easier to deal with.
10. Brush your teeth twice daily.
11. Pay attention in English class.
12. God gives each of us a passion for something.
13. Don't be afraid of people. They're just people, like you and me.
14. If someone is mean to you it is because they are hurting worse than you are.
15. If it isn't necessary to kill a bug, don't. God made them too.
16. Always trust your gut. If your instincts tell you something isn't right, it probably isn't.
17. You will never be too big or too old to crawl into my lap. Ever.
18. Always look for ways to educate yourself about something.
19. If someone needs help, help them.
20. But don't ever climb into someone's van. Tell them you've seen too many movies to do that.
21. God loves a cheerful giver.
22. Giving to God doesn't necessarily mean all of your money. Time counts too.
23. A college degree is a wonderful thing.
24. Having a skill or trade is marvelous as well.
25. If you can have a skill or trade AND a college degree, you'll be set.
26. Like any kind of music you're drawn to.
27. Dance like nobody's watching. Anywhere. Anytime.
28. Your sisters and brothers will be your best friends. Remember that when you are stuffing them in the hamper.
29. If you don't love it in the store, you probably won't wear it anywhere else.
30. Save money while you're young.
31. If you find a job doing what you love, it won't feel like work.
32. Money isn't that important.
33. Paying your bills is important though... nobody wants to take a cold shower in the dark.
34. You are beautiful.
35. God doesn't make mistakes.
36. It's ok to dye your hair and change up your makeup if you are bored though.
37. There will never be anything you cannot tell me. If it affects you, it affects me. Tell me, we'll freak out together, then we'll figure out a way through it together.
38. Test grades matter.
39. You do use math every single day.
40. One day you will have to help your child with homework.
41. Never put yourself into a position where you can be taken advantage of.
42. Don't walk alone at night.
43. Don't walk alone with your headphones blaring, unaware of what's going on around you.
44. If you love someone, say it.
45. Don't ever be afraid to get on your knees to praise God.
46. Laugh until your face hurts.
47. Try new fruits and vegetables.
48. Never pass up an opportunity for sleep.
49. Don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe in.
50. Educate yourself.
51. Cats are arguably the funniest creatures on the planet.
52. Daydream often. But not during tests.
53. If you want something, work for it.
54. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't.
55. Be careful about giving out your personal information. This includes, email, DL #, and SS #.
56. Please tell me you know what those abbreviations mean.
57. I will always go clothes shopping with you.
58. It is totally fine to talk to your shoes and tell them how fabulous they are.
59. Multi-tasking is a woman's lifeline.
60. Be a careful driver.
61. But don't spend a ton of money sprucing up a car. It can be destroyed in a second. Trust me.
62. Wear your seatbelt and keep your doors locked at all times. I promised my parents. I expect the same from you.
63. It's ok to be single. It doesn't mean you'll be alone forever.
64. God has a plan for you.
65. If you find someone you think you could love long-term, get to know them well. There is a reason they put "...in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer..." in the wedding vows. What's he like broke, stinky, and grumpy? You'll know eventually.
66. Make sure he's funny too. It makes parenting easier.
67. If you decide to have kids, great. If not, that's ok too.
68. There's nothing wrong with a good cry.
69. Take care of yourself.
70. But eat the foods you like, too.
71. Fart jokes never get old.
72. Be kind to all animals, even slimy ones.
73. If you see someone being unkind, it's ok to step in.
74. I will always do my best to protect you.
75. I will always worry about you.
76. I will absolutely go off on you out of protection and worry if needs be.
77. I will do what I can to protect you from yourself if needs be.
78. Don't grow up too fast.
79. There will come a time you will have to behave like an adult. Then you'll miss childhood.
80. Stay as young at heart as possible. I could probably outrun any of you. And win a tickle fight.
81. It's ok to serve people. It doesn't mean you're less than them. It means you're selfless enough to do what's right. Jesus did.
82. Kissing animals is ok. And underrated.
83. A purring cat will cure what ails you... unless you're allergic...then one might make you sneeze.
84. Be humble. Jesus was.
85. I am so proud of you.
86. I thank God for you.
87. You are and will always be precious to me.
88. Don't be afraid to tell others about what Jesus has done for you. He may be using you to get to them.
89. God does not call the equipped. God equips those He calls.
90. Do everything you can to discover His purpose for your life. You will be fulfilled.
91. Drink lots of water.
92. Red lips are fabulous anytime.
93. Red anything is fabulous anytime, for that matter.
94. Tell yourself, "I'm beautiful" every day. Because you are.
95. Don't let others determine your worth. To me, you are priceless.
96. You have a purpose. Don't be afraid to submit to the Lord to find out what it is. He's got a plan for you.
97. It's ok to show a little skin. Just don't give away the farm.
98. You are so much more than just your looks. And they are stunning.
99. If I had all the girls in the world to choose from, I'd choose you.
100. I will do my best to support whatever dreams you have.
101. I love you.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Stupid Cancer
There isn't a very clever way to begin this one, other than this post is completely my own perspective on a subject that I, like so many others, try to block out as much as I can...
Finally... finally this "disease", as it is called, has changed the course of my life. It really has. It should be called "the juggernaut of pain and suffering no matter which kind you have". Cancer. C A N C E R. It's just a word. A name. But one we don't like to talk about. We certainly don't want to think about it. The other "C" word.
What is cancer? The textbook definition is "an abnormal growth of cells in the body." I imagine it as your own body turning against itself in a way. Isn't it interesting to think we have pills for erectile dysfunction and creams for baldness, but no cure for cancer.
I am selfishly mourning the loss of my dear friend tonight. I still cannot believe she is gone. I find peace knowing that even as I write this, she is rejoicing. But it still hurts...
I met her at church. I don't have very many people in this world that are REALLY close to me. I have friends and acquaintances. But most of the time I am alone. I like it. I don't mind spending days at a time without speaking to anyone. So how she managed to weasel her way in is still an enigma... ;)
It's hard to find words because none seem to do her justice. Strong. Kind. Loyal. Trustworthy. Funny. Irreplaceable. I have several Facebook messages from her where we corresponded back and forth. I know I'll never delete them because I can see her thoughts any time I want to. Her loving kindness just overflowed on my husband and me when we were in need. It was during the time I was in Florida for the holidays that she was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I had been teaching her yoga some months before when she first mentioned a lump she had noticed. As a concerned friend, I asked her about it. She was extremely intelligent, the healthiest person I knew (her good health habits were enough to fill another complete blog), and she told me she wanted to wait to see if it was inflammation and if it would clear up. If there is anything I can say that anyone who reads this will remember it is this: DON'T WAIT. If you notice something abnormal about your body, have it checked. Medicine has come a long way. If you aren't fans of doctors that's ok. Be a fan of you and have yourself checked for your family and yourself. The movies make it seem so easy. Almost romantic. If illness has only ever been a distant visitor you can almost get lost in the thoughts that maybe it is...
About six weeks ago I received the news that she had been diagnosed with liver, kidney, and lung cancer.
"That can't be right. Really? She's the healthiest person I know. How could this happen? Her liver AND kidney? AND lung?"
These and so many other thoughts ran through my head. Selfishly, "What would I do without her?"
Look, I am a poor, poor example of what a believer in Christ should be. I sin daily, whether I mean to or not. I lose my temper. I make mistakes. I whine. I pout. I forget what's important. I long to have the relationship she has with our Savior. I believe. But I get wrapped up so easily in the things around me. The "what if's". The not knowing. When I would teach her yoga it was supposed to be me helping her. But her teaching fed my soul. I have no doubt where my precious friend is tonight. Her courage and strength, as well as that of her husband, and their faith and love for each other makes me feel so humble. I want what they have. We have no control over the weather. We have no control over traffic. We have no control over how others treat us. We have no control over what happens inside our own bodies. But I know who does have control. And I believe my friend was brought into my life because He knew I needed her.
In the end, there was no photo shoot. No silk pajamas or Susan Sarandon. The last time I went to see her, she was too sick to come to the living room, so I went and laid in bed with her and her dog, BB, who never left her side. She had cut her hair short weeks before because it was too much to manage. I just laid there, stroking her head and her arm. I remember when she was still able to come to church and I would sit by her with my arm around her, just stroking her shoulder because I had a feeling the day would come that I wouldn't be able to stroke her shoulder anymore. I just breathed her in.
I don't know why things happen. She didn't know. Marcus, her sweet and devoted husband, doesn't know. I like to think that her work here was done. She just celebrated her 49th birthday. I got to wish her well on that day. I feel so blessed. I miss her. I wonder what she's doing right now. What does it look like? I wonder if her beautiful, long curls are back. In my favorite wedding photo, my husband and I are exchanging rings and in the background is her smiling as big as can be. I'm thankful to have known such a person. I wish everyone had. God brings people along for reasons that are all His own. It's not for us to understand why they come or why they go. As she would say, "Everything is for His glory." She left quickly and for that I'm grateful. Suffering is terrible. It's terrible to go through and terrible to watch someone you love go through, in whatever form it may be. But if we can stay faithful through the downs, the ups will be beyond our most beautiful dreams.
I love you, Girl. I miss you already. You will be my accountability partner, even from Heaven. I don't want to let go...
Stupid Cancer.
Finally... finally this "disease", as it is called, has changed the course of my life. It really has. It should be called "the juggernaut of pain and suffering no matter which kind you have". Cancer. C A N C E R. It's just a word. A name. But one we don't like to talk about. We certainly don't want to think about it. The other "C" word.
What is cancer? The textbook definition is "an abnormal growth of cells in the body." I imagine it as your own body turning against itself in a way. Isn't it interesting to think we have pills for erectile dysfunction and creams for baldness, but no cure for cancer.
I am selfishly mourning the loss of my dear friend tonight. I still cannot believe she is gone. I find peace knowing that even as I write this, she is rejoicing. But it still hurts...
I met her at church. I don't have very many people in this world that are REALLY close to me. I have friends and acquaintances. But most of the time I am alone. I like it. I don't mind spending days at a time without speaking to anyone. So how she managed to weasel her way in is still an enigma... ;)
It's hard to find words because none seem to do her justice. Strong. Kind. Loyal. Trustworthy. Funny. Irreplaceable. I have several Facebook messages from her where we corresponded back and forth. I know I'll never delete them because I can see her thoughts any time I want to. Her loving kindness just overflowed on my husband and me when we were in need. It was during the time I was in Florida for the holidays that she was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I had been teaching her yoga some months before when she first mentioned a lump she had noticed. As a concerned friend, I asked her about it. She was extremely intelligent, the healthiest person I knew (her good health habits were enough to fill another complete blog), and she told me she wanted to wait to see if it was inflammation and if it would clear up. If there is anything I can say that anyone who reads this will remember it is this: DON'T WAIT. If you notice something abnormal about your body, have it checked. Medicine has come a long way. If you aren't fans of doctors that's ok. Be a fan of you and have yourself checked for your family and yourself. The movies make it seem so easy. Almost romantic. If illness has only ever been a distant visitor you can almost get lost in the thoughts that maybe it is...
About six weeks ago I received the news that she had been diagnosed with liver, kidney, and lung cancer.
"That can't be right. Really? She's the healthiest person I know. How could this happen? Her liver AND kidney? AND lung?"
These and so many other thoughts ran through my head. Selfishly, "What would I do without her?"
Look, I am a poor, poor example of what a believer in Christ should be. I sin daily, whether I mean to or not. I lose my temper. I make mistakes. I whine. I pout. I forget what's important. I long to have the relationship she has with our Savior. I believe. But I get wrapped up so easily in the things around me. The "what if's". The not knowing. When I would teach her yoga it was supposed to be me helping her. But her teaching fed my soul. I have no doubt where my precious friend is tonight. Her courage and strength, as well as that of her husband, and their faith and love for each other makes me feel so humble. I want what they have. We have no control over the weather. We have no control over traffic. We have no control over how others treat us. We have no control over what happens inside our own bodies. But I know who does have control. And I believe my friend was brought into my life because He knew I needed her.
In the end, there was no photo shoot. No silk pajamas or Susan Sarandon. The last time I went to see her, she was too sick to come to the living room, so I went and laid in bed with her and her dog, BB, who never left her side. She had cut her hair short weeks before because it was too much to manage. I just laid there, stroking her head and her arm. I remember when she was still able to come to church and I would sit by her with my arm around her, just stroking her shoulder because I had a feeling the day would come that I wouldn't be able to stroke her shoulder anymore. I just breathed her in.
I don't know why things happen. She didn't know. Marcus, her sweet and devoted husband, doesn't know. I like to think that her work here was done. She just celebrated her 49th birthday. I got to wish her well on that day. I feel so blessed. I miss her. I wonder what she's doing right now. What does it look like? I wonder if her beautiful, long curls are back. In my favorite wedding photo, my husband and I are exchanging rings and in the background is her smiling as big as can be. I'm thankful to have known such a person. I wish everyone had. God brings people along for reasons that are all His own. It's not for us to understand why they come or why they go. As she would say, "Everything is for His glory." She left quickly and for that I'm grateful. Suffering is terrible. It's terrible to go through and terrible to watch someone you love go through, in whatever form it may be. But if we can stay faithful through the downs, the ups will be beyond our most beautiful dreams.
I love you, Girl. I miss you already. You will be my accountability partner, even from Heaven. I don't want to let go...
Stupid Cancer.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
French Toast, Vicodin, and Tape Residue, Oh My!
Hi Friends! Well, my surgery was successful. I am now minus one lymph node. It's funny... usually when Stephen and I go to a hospital together we come out with another kid. This time I left with a little less than I went in with. If only my surgeon could have removed some of my inner thigh cellulite as well... Ah, what are you going to do?
A few days of bed rest has been more interesting than I thought it was going to be. I've discovered that when I have all the time in the world to sleep it seems to be the last thing my body wants to allow. Why is that? I fall asleep and then begin that twitching thing where you wake yourself up constantly because you feel like you're falling. You know what I'm talking about. I also have dreamt twice that I woke up with my breasts having been augmented. If the pain of that is anything like having your armpit sliced open and rifled through, then I'll keep my A's...
I know now that I will never be addicted to prescription pain pills. They are wonderful for their intended purpose. Lucky for me, every side effect I was warned about has happened to me, as well as a few I had to search for online because they were a total surprise. I have to take several different medications and supplements to counteract the effects of the pain meds. It's all good. I'm grateful to have them for the time being.
I also have discovered that when you wipe tape residue with baby oil, rubbing alcohol, and a few household products in an attempt to remove it, you end up with baby-oil-rubbing-alcohol-beauty-product-soaked tape residue. The good news is, it's still a lovely shade of orange from the iodine used to prep the area. It's also a magnet for cat hair, just in case any of my whiskered friends need extra. Yes, I have scrubbed many times to the best of my ability... it could be worse, right? At least it was the correct side of my body...
My sweet husband has not left my side during the whole thing, from beginning to end. He's been Mom and Dad, the chef, driver, errand runner, grocery shopper, and foot rubber. He has been patient as I kept the TV on because I couldn't sleep. He has gotten up early with the littles. He has waited on me hand and foot, as well as doing the necessary things needed around the house daily. I can't thank you enough, Stephen, and I just want to tell you how much I appreciate all you do.
Now, we just wait for the test results. I have a pretty confident feeling. In the meantime, I am looking forward to regaining my strength and blogging about cats and weather and towels and whatever else happens to come to mind... thanks for your support.
A few days of bed rest has been more interesting than I thought it was going to be. I've discovered that when I have all the time in the world to sleep it seems to be the last thing my body wants to allow. Why is that? I fall asleep and then begin that twitching thing where you wake yourself up constantly because you feel like you're falling. You know what I'm talking about. I also have dreamt twice that I woke up with my breasts having been augmented. If the pain of that is anything like having your armpit sliced open and rifled through, then I'll keep my A's...
I know now that I will never be addicted to prescription pain pills. They are wonderful for their intended purpose. Lucky for me, every side effect I was warned about has happened to me, as well as a few I had to search for online because they were a total surprise. I have to take several different medications and supplements to counteract the effects of the pain meds. It's all good. I'm grateful to have them for the time being.
I also have discovered that when you wipe tape residue with baby oil, rubbing alcohol, and a few household products in an attempt to remove it, you end up with baby-oil-rubbing-alcohol-beauty-product-soaked tape residue. The good news is, it's still a lovely shade of orange from the iodine used to prep the area. It's also a magnet for cat hair, just in case any of my whiskered friends need extra. Yes, I have scrubbed many times to the best of my ability... it could be worse, right? At least it was the correct side of my body...
My sweet husband has not left my side during the whole thing, from beginning to end. He's been Mom and Dad, the chef, driver, errand runner, grocery shopper, and foot rubber. He has been patient as I kept the TV on because I couldn't sleep. He has gotten up early with the littles. He has waited on me hand and foot, as well as doing the necessary things needed around the house daily. I can't thank you enough, Stephen, and I just want to tell you how much I appreciate all you do.
Now, we just wait for the test results. I have a pretty confident feeling. In the meantime, I am looking forward to regaining my strength and blogging about cats and weather and towels and whatever else happens to come to mind... thanks for your support.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
The Bucket List
Hello All. Tonight I've decided to enjoy my slight pseudoephedrine high via Sudafed and ignore my sinus headache long enough to drop a line or two. Thanks for playing your part.
I am due to have surgery this coming Monday, nothing too too scary, and I'm actually looking forward to the results. I have been plagued by a swollen lymph node in my left armpit for most of my life. It's been a nuisance off and on and it is always painful when it flares up. So far no one has been able to figure out the cause. So they're taking it out and sending it to the pathology lab to see what the heck is bugging it. So long, Old Friend! I'm hoping the news is good. The sort of scary part is putting my life in the hands of the anesthesiologist... I've been under twice and been fine. So, I'm sure I will be this time too. The biggest difference is the little people sleeping next door. My son is 5, and today said to me as though he were Humpty Dumpty from Puss In Boots, "Brothers and mommies forever. Always together." That sound you heard was my heart welling up and imploding.
While reflecting, I always remember the mistakes, the worries, the embarrassments, the nights going to bed, wishing I was a better mother, better wife, better daughter. If I were allowed a few wishes, a bucket list, it would probably be something like this:
1. I want to save the big cats from extinction. On a smaller scale, I have an ache to work on a personal level with those in captivity and travel and speak to those who would listen and act in order to preserve and co-exist with these magnificent creatures. I cannot imagine a world where I can only show my grandchild photos of tigers because they no longer exist.
2. I want to live by a beach with white sand, clear water, and free-flowing Coppertone 50 SPF.
3. I'd say I want a Mustang convertible, my dream car, but my husband has already made that come true.
4. I want to see my parents and sisters more often.
5. I want to take back every bad word ever spoken and every bad thought ever had about my husband. He is my best friend. He has shown me that miracles are possible. I can never doubt again.
6. I want my children to only ever have good memories of me. I never want them to cry or be upset or hurt or mad. I know, I know. It's a bucket list, remember?
7. I want my children to know how much I love them. They are my legacy. Nothing else I do in life matters the way they do. I wish I could hug them 1000 times a day. I wish I could express my love in everything I do. I wish I always had a ton of energy to play and run and build and teach. I wish I taught them as much as they teach me.
8. I want every cat in the world.
That doesn't seem like too much to ask, does it?
"As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:15
I am due to have surgery this coming Monday, nothing too too scary, and I'm actually looking forward to the results. I have been plagued by a swollen lymph node in my left armpit for most of my life. It's been a nuisance off and on and it is always painful when it flares up. So far no one has been able to figure out the cause. So they're taking it out and sending it to the pathology lab to see what the heck is bugging it. So long, Old Friend! I'm hoping the news is good. The sort of scary part is putting my life in the hands of the anesthesiologist... I've been under twice and been fine. So, I'm sure I will be this time too. The biggest difference is the little people sleeping next door. My son is 5, and today said to me as though he were Humpty Dumpty from Puss In Boots, "Brothers and mommies forever. Always together." That sound you heard was my heart welling up and imploding.
While reflecting, I always remember the mistakes, the worries, the embarrassments, the nights going to bed, wishing I was a better mother, better wife, better daughter. If I were allowed a few wishes, a bucket list, it would probably be something like this:
1. I want to save the big cats from extinction. On a smaller scale, I have an ache to work on a personal level with those in captivity and travel and speak to those who would listen and act in order to preserve and co-exist with these magnificent creatures. I cannot imagine a world where I can only show my grandchild photos of tigers because they no longer exist.
2. I want to live by a beach with white sand, clear water, and free-flowing Coppertone 50 SPF.
3. I'd say I want a Mustang convertible, my dream car, but my husband has already made that come true.
4. I want to see my parents and sisters more often.
5. I want to take back every bad word ever spoken and every bad thought ever had about my husband. He is my best friend. He has shown me that miracles are possible. I can never doubt again.
6. I want my children to only ever have good memories of me. I never want them to cry or be upset or hurt or mad. I know, I know. It's a bucket list, remember?
7. I want my children to know how much I love them. They are my legacy. Nothing else I do in life matters the way they do. I wish I could hug them 1000 times a day. I wish I could express my love in everything I do. I wish I always had a ton of energy to play and run and build and teach. I wish I taught them as much as they teach me.
8. I want every cat in the world.
That doesn't seem like too much to ask, does it?
"As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:15
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