I think the last time I published a post was around the beginning of my daughter's therapy and treatment... I'm thinking... yep, that seems correct. I haven't looked at the dates. I've drafted a few, mostly just venting to whomever would listen, and then having second thoughts about publishing because of the judgment that usually comes along with any personal thoughts these days. I have to consider my family. My husband is important and I don't ever want to print anything to tarnish his image or reputation. He is a very hard worker, never really leaving his job at the office. He is currently the sole breadwinner for the family and has been for quite some time, not because I'm lazy or unwilling to work. Not at all. There are a lot of factors that go into family decisions in everyone's life. Right now it just makes sense for our family that he work while I stay at home with the kids. Most days are pretty monotonous. I have near daily guilt because I find being at home rather boring. It's not boring. I'm having a "whoa is me" day, in fact.
When I feel one coming, I try to remember Steve Irwin, and the fact that his wife is a single mom with 2 children and a business to run by herself, having lost her partner in the saddest way. I try to remember my friend, who has been a single mom to a child with severe cerebral palsy and spends more time in hospitals than out. I think about my friend who has an adopted son that has never spoken a word and takes countless medications daily to keep him from having seizures. My sister's son was born with hydrocephalus and is autistic. He'll most likely remain with her for their entire lives... these people and their struggles help me remain silent through my own. Clearly, I'm not the only one who struggles. It feels selfish to complain to anyone besides God. He already knows, and for whatever reason chose me for this particular "whoa is me" day.
I have spent nearly every hour, asleep or awake, with my 6-year-old daughter since she was born. She is considered "on the spectrum", which is how it is referred now, and is considered to have a form close to Asberger's, which in short, is a form of ASD that is relatively normal to the naked eye, other than certain quirks. My daughter is very intelligent, very sly and clever, but a bit awkward. While most people on the spectrum aren't particularly social, Aspys are more chatty, they just don't have as clear a picture on what is appropriate to chat about. She wrings her hands and constantly clears her throat. She cannot keep herself from touching me when I'm near her, usually lightly tapping me to pinching and sometimes slapping me repeatedly. She is very sensitive to what's going on around her and picks up on details you and I would miss, and remembers them for weeks, months, even years. This can be difficult when she sees or hears something that troubles or scares her. In our house the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny don't come at night. They don't come inside our house. The exchange is made outside and Mom takes care of it. So there is still magic without the fear. Everything in my life revolves around her. But she is not my only child.
I have 2 sons, one is 8-years-old and one is in Heaven, as well as 3 grown step-daughters (I hate that term... I call them my daughters to everyone who knows us, but the inevitable "you look so young to have grown children" statement follows and I have to explain our situation. I like to think of them as more than my husband's children from his first marriage). My older son obviously lives with me and I adore him and his sisters. I love them madly. I smell their breath and my mouth waters. I dream about them. I neglect all else for them...
I'm hanging on. There is no giving up when you're a mom. I grew up in church and have always believed in and loved God. I haven't always followed, but have always believed. I believe that if you delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart. I have always had a deep empathy and passion for animals. I don't talk about my dreams much because they are so personal, but I do envision myself in the career I want someday. For whatever reason I've been chosen to be right here right now. I feel helpless and unequipped, and I had a bad day today and I don't cry much, so instead I have a headache that is traveling from my eye sockets over my head and down my neck, but I'm here. I imagine sitting with God, asking Him why He chose me for this, because anyone is more equipped at this than I am. Why does my daughter have this? Why can't I help her? Why did my son pass away? Am I not doing a good enough job? Did I do something wrong? I carried them. I was supposed to protect them. I'm supposed to see them through. But He doesn't answer. I don't see His face, but I feel Him smile because He knows what I don't know. And so I keep going. Even on days where I feel like a single mom. Even on days when I feel like "just a wife, just a mom". Even when I feel invisible. Even when I remember that I cannot be in school right now because of the travel schedule of our hero and my need to be available all the time. Even when I'm overwhelmed and cannot take time for myself because most people don't understand my daughter and know how to take care of her. And when I think about the lovely once-in-a-blue-moon opportunity to spend alone time with one of my other precious children, which I know they need so bad. Even on days like today, when one was so angry, and I didn't know what to say to make it better. Even when the other was taking advantage of my inability to be all things to all people at once, as much as I try and want to be. I keep going. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...
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