There isn't a very clever way to begin this one, other than this post is completely my own perspective on a subject that I, like so many others, try to block out as much as I can...
Finally... finally this "disease", as it is called, has changed the course of my life. It really has. It should be called "the juggernaut of pain and suffering no matter which kind you have". Cancer. C A N C E R. It's just a word. A name. But one we don't like to talk about. We certainly don't want to think about it. The other "C" word.
What is cancer? The textbook definition is "an abnormal growth of cells in the body." I imagine it as your own body turning against itself in a way. Isn't it interesting to think we have pills for erectile dysfunction and creams for baldness, but no cure for cancer.
I am selfishly mourning the loss of my dear friend tonight. I still cannot believe she is gone. I find peace knowing that even as I write this, she is rejoicing. But it still hurts...
I met her at church. I don't have very many people in this world that are REALLY close to me. I have friends and acquaintances. But most of the time I am alone. I like it. I don't mind spending days at a time without speaking to anyone. So how she managed to weasel her way in is still an enigma... ;)
It's hard to find words because none seem to do her justice. Strong. Kind. Loyal. Trustworthy. Funny. Irreplaceable. I have several Facebook messages from her where we corresponded back and forth. I know I'll never delete them because I can see her thoughts any time I want to. Her loving kindness just overflowed on my husband and me when we were in need. It was during the time I was in Florida for the holidays that she was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I had been teaching her yoga some months before when she first mentioned a lump she had noticed. As a concerned friend, I asked her about it. She was extremely intelligent, the healthiest person I knew (her good health habits were enough to fill another complete blog), and she told me she wanted to wait to see if it was inflammation and if it would clear up. If there is anything I can say that anyone who reads this will remember it is this: DON'T WAIT. If you notice something abnormal about your body, have it checked. Medicine has come a long way. If you aren't fans of doctors that's ok. Be a fan of you and have yourself checked for your family and yourself. The movies make it seem so easy. Almost romantic. If illness has only ever been a distant visitor you can almost get lost in the thoughts that maybe it is...
About six weeks ago I received the news that she had been diagnosed with liver, kidney, and lung cancer.
"That can't be right. Really? She's the healthiest person I know. How could this happen? Her liver AND kidney? AND lung?"
These and so many other thoughts ran through my head. Selfishly, "What would I do without her?"
Look, I am a poor, poor example of what a believer in Christ should be. I sin daily, whether I mean to or not. I lose my temper. I make mistakes. I whine. I pout. I forget what's important. I long to have the relationship she has with our Savior. I believe. But I get wrapped up so easily in the things around me. The "what if's". The not knowing. When I would teach her yoga it was supposed to be me helping her. But her teaching fed my soul. I have no doubt where my precious friend is tonight. Her courage and strength, as well as that of her husband, and their faith and love for each other makes me feel so humble. I want what they have. We have no control over the weather. We have no control over traffic. We have no control over how others treat us. We have no control over what happens inside our own bodies. But I know who does have control. And I believe my friend was brought into my life because He knew I needed her.
In the end, there was no photo shoot. No silk pajamas or Susan Sarandon. The last time I went to see her, she was too sick to come to the living room, so I went and laid in bed with her and her dog, BB, who never left her side. She had cut her hair short weeks before because it was too much to manage. I just laid there, stroking her head and her arm. I remember when she was still able to come to church and I would sit by her with my arm around her, just stroking her shoulder because I had a feeling the day would come that I wouldn't be able to stroke her shoulder anymore. I just breathed her in.
I don't know why things happen. She didn't know. Marcus, her sweet and devoted husband, doesn't know. I like to think that her work here was done. She just celebrated her 49th birthday. I got to wish her well on that day. I feel so blessed. I miss her. I wonder what she's doing right now. What does it look like? I wonder if her beautiful, long curls are back. In my favorite wedding photo, my husband and I are exchanging rings and in the background is her smiling as big as can be. I'm thankful to have known such a person. I wish everyone had. God brings people along for reasons that are all His own. It's not for us to understand why they come or why they go. As she would say, "Everything is for His glory." She left quickly and for that I'm grateful. Suffering is terrible. It's terrible to go through and terrible to watch someone you love go through, in whatever form it may be. But if we can stay faithful through the downs, the ups will be beyond our most beautiful dreams.
I love you, Girl. I miss you already. You will be my accountability partner, even from Heaven. I don't want to let go...
Stupid Cancer.
